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Assalaamu
Alaikum.
The letter below was written to a sister in polygyny who was
the second wife. She was having a very hard time with her husband and
co-wife. She thought before she married that polygyny was a wonderful
thing but now she is having doubts. She thinks maybe it might be
beautiful with the right man. Alhamdulilah, a sister sent the response
below to this troubled sister and it will touch your heart. It brought
tears to other sisters' eyes. Please read it all. It works not
only for married sisters but single sisters also. May Allah bless this
sister for her loving words. Ameen.
Tahira
Beautiful Words of Wisdom for ANY Sister
ANYWHERE
Bismillah Ar Rahmaan Ar Raheem
As Salaamu Alaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakhatuhu:
Dear ...,
Alhumdulillah, May Allah reward you for your willingness to practice a
part of the Sunnah that is sometimes difficult. May Allah assist you in your
ability to endure and remain patient.
As I don't read every post you may well have posted your situation and
have asked for advice, in that case I am belated and I apologize.
However, as your Muslim sister I feel the need to reach out (I have virtual
tea, a soft pillow, and chocolate cake for you) and offer you support. Your
words struck my heart, "I feel oppressed, stressed, and depressed."
If I can I would like to give you words of naseehah and comfort.
1)As a Muslimah you should have the understanding that if Allah intends
good for you, you will be afflicted with hardship so that you may return to
Allah with little sin. The Prophet (S) said,
"Anyone for whom Allah intends good, He makes him to suffer from
some affliction." Sahih Al-Bukhari
And
"When Allah intends good for His slave, He punishes him in this
world..." At Tirmidhi
So affliction should not be viewed as some horrible thing that has no
good in it but trouble. From these hadith it is a good thing that a believer
is punished in this life. In polygyny a woman can use this to guide her
through difficult times while she continues to strive
with patience with whatever Allah is testing her with.
2) You must bear whatever Allah is testing you with, with patience.
This is so important to your mindset and your emotional stability. Allah says,
"O you who believe! Endure and be more patient..."(3:200)
And
"And certainly, We shall test you with something of fear, hunger,
loss of wealth, lives and fruits, but give glad tidings to As-Sabirun (the
patient)." (2:155)
And
"Only those who are patient shall receive their reward in full,
without reckoning." (39:10)
And
"And verily, whosoever shows patience and forgives, that would
truly be from the things recommended by Allah." (42:43)
And
"Seek help in patience and As-Salat (the prayer). Truly, Allah is
with As-Sabirun (the patient)." (2:153)
SubhanAllah, Allah has clearly stated to the believers what will happen in
this life. That Allah will test us with a number of issues, matters, and
situations. As you are experiencing these afflictions might affect our mental,
physical, emotional, and spiritual. But Allah
also tells/recommends to us how to deal with these problems.
Lots and lots and lots and lots of endurance and patience. This means no
screaming, cursing, losing hope and trust in Allah, hating your life, etc.
Whoever is able to do this (and you are) then they will be of the As-Sabirun
and Allah will be with them. SubhanAllah, imagine your station on Yaumul
Qiyyamah if you are of the As-Sabirun and Allah is with you. I needn't say
more :-)). Ameen!
3) Do not forget Allah's mercy upon you. Allah says,
"And My Mercy embraces all things." (7:156)
Supplicate and complain to Allah during those times when du'a is most
accepted (between the adhan and the iqaamah, the last hour of yaumul jumu'ah,
when it is raining, in qiyamul-lay). Ask for Allah to bestow
his mercy upon you and trust that Allah is able to do all things and nothing I
mean absolutely nothing is beyond His power. Expect that Allah will alleviate
you of your affliction. The Prophet (S) said,
"None of you must die unless he has good expectations from
Allah." Sahih Muslim
Do not despair my sweet Sister in Islam. Allah knows every word,
thought, action, what will be, what won't be, what has been, and He will not
forsake the patient and leave them to bear the unbearable.
4) Whatever your test is (an unjust husband, bad co-wife, unsuitable
living conditions, etc.) you can bear it with dignity and patience.
Allah is fully aware of your capabilities and what you are able to take. Allah
says,
"But those who believed (in the Oneness of Allah - Islamic
Monotheism), and worked righteousness - We tax not any person beyond his cope
- such are the dweller of Paradise. They will abide therein." (7:42)
Put you trust in this fact ya ukhti (my sister). Trust that Allah is
the All-Mighty and he knows what you are able to bear and that He is not
testing you beyond your ability to pass the test.
5)Lift that depressed heart and turn to Allah in ibaadah and good
deeds. Seek the means to Allah's Mercy by increasing your good deeds.
Don't forget the small kindnesses to your children, your
neighbors, your friends, and family. Seek to give in charity, feed a poor
person, offer your home for a halaqa, offer to teach someones children Qur'an,
etc. Seek to increase your Ibaadah (worship) of Allah. Your Sunnah, your
nawaafil, and most importantly the Ihsaan (praying as if you see Allah) of
your Fard. With the increase of good deeds in your life you will feel the
increase is Emaan. Oh
sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo important.
Here have another cup of tea. More cake?
6) Return whatever ill manners or behavior that come your way with good
manners and behavior. Hard to do but the reward is great. Allah says,
"The good deed and the evil deed cannot be equal. Repel (the evil)
with one which is better (i.e., Allah orders the faithful believers to be
patience at the time of anger, and to excuse those who treat them badly) then
verily he, between whom and you there was enmity, (will become) as though he
was a close friend. Bunt not is granted it (the above quality) except those
who are patient - and none is granted it except the owner of the great portion
(of happiness in the Hereafter, i.e., Paradise and of a high moral character)
in this world." (41:35-35)
Habibati, take those negative whispers of Shaytaan and remove them instead
strive towards patience, returning the evil with good, and striving and
seeking your reward with Allah. Keep Allah's promises close to your heart. The
As-Sabirun have much much reward that is worth all the pain and affliction
they go through.
7) From your post you indicated that part of the problem lies with your
husbands behavior. If this is the case then strive to deal with him with
patience, make du'a for his enlightenment, sweetly and
considerately advise him, write him a letter that is clam, very kind, sweet
and loving then at the end ask for one thing (more affection, a set schedule,
not talking about the other wife, etc.), keep in mind the above ayat and
hadith and know that with any oppression come great reward from Allah if you
bear it with patience.
Remain dignified, you are a
Muslimah and it is not fitting for you to scream or curse at your husband. You
are a Muslimah and Allah has addressed you in the Qur'an about how you are to
deal with your tribulations.
You are a Muslimah and you are
striving for Jennah Al-Fidaws not the love of your husband or the
friendship of your co-wife or anything else having to do with the dunya. Keep
focused on what you are on
earth to do, to worship Allah.
InshaAllah whatever you are going through turning to Allah and doing the
things that he says, commands, and recommends to do will help you in this life
and in the next. Make sure your behavior is correct and
according to Qur'an and Sunnah.
When he makes you cry, know that
every tear is a blessing and do not try to hurt him back. When you feel your
heart about to break pull of the Book of Allah and tape it back up. When you
feel as if you can take no more remember that Allah is not unaware and he is
not taxing you beyond your ability so take a deep breath make wudu two rakah
and get back to being patient. It will end soon, hey either you will die or he
will :-) (forgive my morbid humor).
Increase your knowledge, keep good
friends, push
yourself to higher levels within Islam, fight against your nafs (desires),
strive to do more and more and more good deeds, wake up with Allah on your
mind not your problems, stick to the Sunnah, read the Qur'an every change you
get there is great healing in it, oh and did I forget to say seek refuge with
Allah from shaytaan?
SubhanAllah, see theres the woman's
mind. Habibati, seek refuge with your Allah from the whispers of that evil
one. He is in your life right now very strong and is trying to bring you down.
Play Qur'an throughout your house. And if you watch TV, then doing all of this
will be that much harder. The jinn box is a severe hindrance to attaing
towards patience and emaan.
So ya ukhti, I hope for you from my heart as you are a mirror for me that you
will seek to lift yourself and strive towards Allah though every means
possilbe. Do not let another human be your downfall, do not let them doubt the
total and complete lordship of Allah.
Keep your expectations high of
Allah and do not despair of His Mercy. Keep His rememberance upon your tongue.
You are a Muslimah and you are
able to do all of this. You are weak without Allah so turn to Him and
ask of Him. Seek Help in all matter big or small. You are a Muslimah and you
are striving to be Mu'min, As-Sabirun,and Al-Muqqarrabun.
May Allah aid you and assist you.
For the sake of Allah and your sister in Islam,
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